Dear Friends,

Alright. We are now starting week three of the Olympics (the truth is I don't really know how long the Olympics have been going on, I have just had t.v. for three weeks :o)

Anyway, in three weeks, this is the ratio of events that have been offered on television for the Olympics:

75% Figure Skating
10% Speed Skating
7% Byatholon (an event which surfaces the question "What does skiing up a hill and shooting a gun have in common enough to be in the same catagory?")
6% Curling (I won't even start...)

And one Hockey Game

One

ONE!!!

I have seen one Hockey game and more Figure Skating events than Baldwin Brothers. In praying to the Lord and asking what I had done to deserve this...the answer was quite clear. There are TOOOOOO many catagories in the Figure Skating event. So in order to even things up I have come up with some new "Hockey-related" catagories that should be added to 2006's Winter Olympics.

1. MIDGET HOCKEY. Anything with a 'little person' is entertaining.

2. MUTANT LEAGUE HOCKEY. Every guy remembers that wonderful Sega Genesis game. You don't like the ref? Kill him. :o)

3. WHO'S HOCKEY IS IT, ANYWAY? A combination of Hockey and Who's Line Is It Anyway? Drew and Friends play normal hockey but who ever has the puck has to pretend like they are a chicken who just recently was beheaded. The Rules are all made up and the Points don't matter and two MVP's from each team have to do the "Ho-Down" at the end of the game to a profession the
audience yells out.

4. EA SPORTS OLYMPIC HOCKEY FOR PS2. Finally boys, all those years of practicing will pay off as you go to UTAH to win the Gold. Warm up your fingers....

5. MOM ANNOUNCERS. The same normal hockey except we get two Mothers to announce. We will get MUCH more T.V. time with catch-phrases like, "Another touchdown by the blue-shirt guys.", "I think them two boys should just sit down and talk things out over some milk and cookies.", and the famous, "Well, I don't know what kind of house he grew up in. I bet he would think twice about hitting that boy with his stick if Momma came down there and stuck this shoe up his ass."

6. TACO BELL STEAK QUESADILLA HOCKEY. I am just really hungry right now.

7. WOMEN'S HOCKEY. What? They have that? Really? Wow...

8. PHOTON BALL. Roll of toilet paper soaked in Kerosine. Light it and play dodge ball with it. It has nothing to do with Hockey but......it's better than watching Elvis Stoyko's big nose.....again.....

9. REVENGE HOCKEY. Two teams. Team one: Team USA. Team two: Team Taliban.

10. CHUCK-A-PUCK HOCKEY. This sport is just like normal Figure Skating event except for one new addition. You guessed it. All the fans get unlimited supply of Chuck-a-Pucks to throw for the duration of the event. It's gonna be a little hard completing a Triple Axel with 10,000 black round biskets flying at you at high speeds. Heh Heh

I ask that you pass this on to the Olypmic Creativity Board and offer Good Luck to TEAM USA in the Hockey Division. Good day...and God Bless

Love you guys,

Anthony Doria